


(Had I Known) How To Save A Life

by addictinthetrees



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, also i'm lowkey proud of this, yikes its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 13:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7846690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addictinthetrees/pseuds/addictinthetrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are scared, you are afraid.<br/>You are at fault, and you are to blame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Had I Known) How To Save A Life

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was listening to 'How To Save A Life' By The Fray, (which I highly recommend you listen to before reading this fic!!), and thought about how good of a fanfiction it would make. Of course, I proceeded to write said fanfic.

_ Step one, you say, _

 

_ “ _ Josh, we need to talk.”

 

He walks, pink hair dull in the dim lights of the motel room. He is hesitant, he is afraid. He should not be.

 

“Hey, you can sit down. It's just a talk, Josh.”

 

A polite smile. You see right on through it. It is as fake as the words ‘I'm okay’ as they tumbled past perfect lips earlier. He sits down. You allow him room. Room to sit and room to speak. He accepts the first and declines the latter. The silence gives you space. You fill it with one word.

 

“Why?”

 

It is a simple question. It holds more meaning than either of you would like to think. You focus on a cracked and dirty window to your right. You try not to think about the broken boy in front of you jumping from it. After a long pause, he speaks.

 

“I was scared, Tyler.”

 

“Of what?”

 

“Everything.”

 

But this is wrong. He should not be scared. Not while you are there to help him. Not while you are there to protect him. He is on the left side of this conversation, he is most certainly not right.

 

_ You stay right between the lines of fear and blame. _

 

You should have been there to help, you should have been there to protect. You place a hand on his leg to ground him and yourself. You are afraid, possibly more than the shaking boy sitting on the bed cross-legged, knees touching yours. You are the one at fault and the one to blame.

 

“Josh, I've been here for you, I'm always here for you. You know that.”

 

“But, Tyler, you weren't.”

 

He is right. It is your fault. You watch as your heart falls out of your chest to the floor and shatters into a million sharp pieces, joining his. You should not have allowed yourself to believe that everything was fine. It was so blatantly obvious. He was so very far from fine. You are to blame for it all.

 

_ You began to wonder why you came. _

 

He does not comfort you as tears form. You do not allow him to. You are not the one who needs to be healed.

 

“Josh, why won't you let me help you?”

 

“I don't deserve it.”

 

“I know you more than you know yourself, I know you. I know what's best for you, you have to stay alive, please.”

 

“Why would I do that? There's no reason.”

 

“Just stay alive for me.”

 

_ Try to slip past his defense. _

 

No comment at the last request. No protest. You take a deep breath in. You hold it as if it is the last one you will ever take. You start to wish it was.

 

“Tyler.”

 

“Josh?”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You're worth it. Staying alive, I mean. I would live for you.”

 

Apologies can only go so far.

 

_ Without granting innocence. _

 

“There's going to come a point, Josh.”

 

“And what might that be?”

 

“A point where I won't be enough.”

 

“Tyler, you'll always be enough.”

 

“There will be a point where forgiveness won't come anymore.”

 

“I'm not going to go there.”

 

“I hope not.”

  
  


_ Lay down a list of what is wrong. _

 

“You tried to kill yourself, Josh. And I couldn't do anything about it.”

 

“You found me. And you're here now. That's enough.”

 

_ The things you've told him all along. _

 

“No, it's not. I've always told you I was always here for you. And I wasn't, Josh, I wasn't there for you.”

 

“But you are now.”

 

He pulls you in and once again you are filled with guilt. You do not pull back, but his lips are on yours and his hand is on the back of your neck and everything feels so right, even though it is so wrong. Your hands are in his curly hair and you're breathing in everything he is. He is the one to pull away and fall back into the bed. You fall too and though it seems impossible to sleep, you do just that, with his arms around you and your head on his chest and the world seems right for just a night.

 

————————

 

Two weeks have passed and he is still alive. He's doing it for you, as he's said time after time, in between kisses and during talks that last until the sun rises. You allow guilt to slowly melt away until it is a puddle in your soul. After all, you have saved the boy with cotton candy hair and satin hands. But he is a live wire, a hand grenade, bound to go off without warning, and you will certainly be caught in the fall out. You do not mind the idea of being destroyed by the perfectly broken boy.

 

So it happens that you stumble across a pill bottle while looking for a toothbrush. Your fingers brush across the surface, as if the container could explode with the slightest pressure. They are not yours, they are not in Josh’s prescription. You know this, you are the one who must remind him to take them every day. Your mind races back to the boy with faded chocolate roots lying on your couch watching television. The broken boy who was certainly planning on shattering himself.

 

“Josh.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“How long were you going to hide them?”

 

“Hide what?”

 

“You promised me you would stay alive.”

 

“Tyler. I'm sorry.”

 

“You can't just keep apologizing.”

 

_ He begins to raise his voice _

 

“Is that not good enough for you, Tyler? Are my apologies not good enough for you? Am I not good enough for you?”

 

_ You lower yours _

 

“Oh, Josh. You've always been more than good enough for me. How can you take your life away from me?”

 

“It would all be easier without me. I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve you.”

 

_ Grant him one last choice _

 

“It's not too late. Josh, you're more than enough for me. Josh, I love you.”

 

_ Drive until you lose the road _

 

“But you need to make a choice. If you keep following this road, you're going to hit a dead end. I can't lose you, if I lose you, I lose everything.”

 

_ Or break with the ones you've followed  _

 

“Or we can find another one. Another path, another road, we can start over. Together. We can both be free, Josh.”

 

_ He will do one of two things _

 

“Tyler.”

 

“Josh?”

 

_ He will admit to everything _

 

“I love you. Thank you, Tyler.”

 

_ Or he’ll say he's just not the same _

 

“But I'm too far gone.”

 

He stands and walks to you. Once more, he presses those silk lips to your chapped ones, and you are surrounded. His hand is on the small of your back and you melt. You sink. You fall. You should have lived in that moment. You should have stopped him as he pulled away and walked out the door. You didn't.

 

_ You'll begin to wonder why you came _

 

_ —————————— _

 

_ Where did I go wrong? _

 

You receive the seven words in a text that night.

 

_ I lost a friend _

 

“I love you. I'm gone. I'm sorry.”

 

-received at 12:57am

 

_ Somewhere along in the bitterness _

 

You are numb. Your phone falls to the carpet of the apartment you live in  together  . What have you done? 

 

_ And I would have stayed up with you all night _

 

What haven't you done? What could you have done? What can you do now?

 

_ Had I known how to save a life _

 

You can join him. And that is what you do. For you have never known how to save a life. Not even your own.

 

_ You begin to wonder why you came. _

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Honestly. You can yell at me on instagram @heavydirtybadlands .


End file.
